When darkness falls upon my spirit, one of the most difficult things for me to do is to look away from myself and look to Christ who is My Righteousness. I'm tempted to morbid introspection, a manifestation of my prideful desire to be someone other than a needy woman who is desperate for grace. To be someone other than a sinful woman with selfish motivation.
It's the same sinful pride that has me looking to myself when I'm feeling empty and lonely. In desiring to be someone other than a weak and impoverished woman, I look to my own heart to summon courage. I engage my iron will of determination and fight through the darkness. And in my pride, I feel smug satisfaction that I possess a fierce nature and unbroken spirit of adventure that empowers me with grit to forge the fog.
I am not needy. I am not weak. I am brave, and I am strong.
I woke up this morning desperately desiring to be someone other than sinful and broken. I woke up wanting to be someone other than a needy woman. But instead, God in His rich mercy gave me humbling manna for my hungry soul. With the following words from John Newton, He lovingly reminded once again that I don't need to be someone—I just need Christ, and He is everything:
"Our experiences pretty much tally. They may be drawn out into books, but the sum total may be comprised in a short sentence: Our life is a warfare. For our encouragement, the Apostle calls it a good warfare. We are engaged in a good cause, a good fight under a good Captain. The victory is sure beforehand, and the prize is a crown—a crown of eternal life.
One great cause of our frequent conflicts is that we have a secret desire to be rich—and it is the Lord's design to make us poor. We want to gain an ability of doing something—and He suits his dispensations to convince us that we can do nothing. We cannot be too attentive to the evil which is always working in us, or to the stratagems which are employed against us; yet our attention should not be wholly confined to these things. We are to look upwards to him, who is our head, our life, our strength.
One glance of Jesus will convey more effectual assistance than poring upon our own hearts for a month!
This is the warfare. But it shall not always be so. Grace shall prevail. The evil nature is already enervated, and before long it shall die the death. Jesus will make us more than conquerors!" John Newton; 1779